Prescription Suitcase

Note: I write this from the Kansas City airport terminal, where I am waiting patiently for my (delayed) flight to Atlanta where (goddess willing) I will catch my (also potentially delayed) flight home to South Carolina.  There is a lady sitting to my left holding a cute little dog and a nerdy kid a few seats down to my right who is listening to music on his laptop (with headphones) and singing along.  He sounds like a bad American Idol audition just waiting to happen.  My ears!

Air travel gone bad can bring out the worst in even the most mild-mannered, benign person.  I’m pretty laid back most of the time.  Some people have even mistaken my naturally mellow state for shyness.  But when faced with a delayed flight, missed connection, or lost luggage, I get a little cranky.  Add a few inconsiderate passengers, along with a pinch of surly, unhelpful airline employees and a heaping tablespoon of lousy of communication, mix well, and watch me turn into one heck of a nasty [insert expletive here -- one that rhymes with "witch."] It’s not a pretty sight.

I’ve gotten a lot better at keeping my temper in check.  Now that I travel a lot, I’m beginning to accept the fact that delays and other annoyances are pretty much a constant in this day and age, and it just isn’t healthy for me to go bananas every time something goes haywire.  It’s made it easier to keep my cool when staring down a mammoth-sized “travelanche.”

When you travel as much as I do, though, you witness thronging hordes of humanity, and after a while you start to notice that the majority of the thronging hordes are not that polite.  Rude fellow passengers just seem to make a bad situation (air travel in the 21st century) worse.  With that in mind, I’ve decided it’s time for Frequent Flygirl’s Guide to Air Travel Etiquette. That’s right, ladies and gents: it’s time to straighten up and fly right.  Without further ado….

Frequent Flygirl’s Guide to Air Travel Etiquette:

1.  If you’re a large person (and by large I don’t necessarily mean overweight — tall, long-limbed, broad-shouldered types are the worst offenders in my experience) that doesn’t give you an excuse to encroach into a fellow passenger’s personal space.  If my elbows are boring holes into my midsection and I can’t breathe without causing you bodily injury, you’re sprawling a bit too much.  Compact yourself a little bit, or else cough up the extra dough for a first class seat or beg the flight attendant to put you in an exit row.  Airplanes are cramped enough as it is, so please do your best to keep the majority of your bod in your seat (not in mine.)  If you continue to sprawl I will resort to cuddling with you to get the point across.

2.  When you board the plane, quickly stow your carryons and get your heinie into your seat (or at least out of the aisle) as quickly as possible.  There is nothing I hate more than a traffic jam in a stinky, rickety jetway.  It’s not that hard to find your row, stash your stuff, and get out of the way.  I’ll admit that I’m as mystified as you are by most airlines’ new “zone” method of seating, but that doesn’t give you the right to block traffic.

3.  Upon arrival, the same rule applies.  Move it or watch me lose it!  There may be people behind you who are trying to make tight connections.  If the arrival city is your final destination and you don’t have to rush, consider waiting in your row and allowing those of us with connections to disembark first.  We’d do the same for you.

4.  Use deodorant on travel day.  I’ve noticed a lot of airplanes seem to have air conditioning systems that are either dead or dying.  In the summer, that results in a lot of stinky, sweaty people in a confined space.  Wear light, breathable clothing and a healthy dose of hardcore deodorant/antiperspirant.  Even if you think you don’t smell, you probably do, at least a little bit.

5.  On the flip side, lay off the heavy perfumes, colognes, or aftershaves.  I’d rather smell your B.O., truthfully.  I was once on a British Airways flight to London a few years back and a woman seated two or three rows in front of me decided that she would give herself a manicure while we waited to push back.  Nail polish fumes on a plane are almost as bad as snakes.  Get your nails done ahead of time or wait until you get to your destination, please!  (Excuse me.  I feel an overwhelming urge to channel Samuel L. Jackson: “That is ENOUGH!  I’ve had it with these motherf#$%ing manicurists on this motherf#$%ing plane!”)

6.  Be nice to the flight attendants.  Take them seriously.  Pay attention when they do their safety spiel, even though most of us frequent fliers could probably recite it from memory at this point.  Don’t fuss at them, argue with them, or ignore their instructions.  Say please and thank you, and as you leave, smile and thank them for the flight as they say their “buh-byes.”  One flight attendant was so overjoyed to see me reading the safety instruction card (I was sitting in an exit row) that she paused and thanked me for actually looking at it. (Hint — those cards make awesome fans when you’re stuck on a hot flight — see #4.)  We can’t tip flight attendants, but I would if I could.  Frequently, instead of chucking my magazines at the end of a flight, I’ll offer them to the flight attendants as I leave in case they’d like something to read during their time on the ground.  Same goes for paperbacks I’m finished with and don’t want to haul with me.

7.  When retrieving your suitcase at baggage claim, make sure it’s really yours before you trot off with it.  I once had to chase someone down in the Newark airport who had grabbed my suitcase by mistake.  There are all kinds of crazy luggage tags and handle wraps out there to distinguish your bag, or you can do like my mom does and tie a bit of three-inch-wide chartreuse florist’s ribbon on your bag to make it stand out.

8.  Before reclining your seat, make sure the person behind you isn’t using a laptop.  I’ve had mine nearly crushed on more than one occasion by someone who just had to have those extra three centimeters of recline in order to be comfortable.  If it’s a short flight, consider not reclining at all.  It barely makes a difference anyway.

9.  This next one is only tangentially related to airports, but I’m throwing it in anyway.  When an elevator door opens (something one encounters in airports, hotels, office buildings, etc.) let the people who are on the elevator exit before you get on.  I have lost count of the number of times I’ve been nearly mowed down by somebody or other when trying to step out of an elevator.  It’s tiresome.  When little kids do it, I can overlook it because they’re short and I can usually weave around them, but when a throng of adults does it, I get annoyed.  They should know better.

10.  On the moving walkways in airports, read the signs.  Stand left/walk right.  Or stand right/walk left.  Read the signs and position yourself on the proper side depending on your activity.  Same goes for escalators.

11.  If you happen to have a cold or some other bug when you fly, be considerate of those around you.  Use tissues and hand sanitizer and cover your face when you sneeze or cough.  I realize that sometimes it’s impossible to avoid traveling while sick, so do your best to minimize the contagion.